I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
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First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
My loaf of bread looks terrified
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me