A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
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We are the people our parents warned us about.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
How dramatic are you?
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know