Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
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[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay