what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
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Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time