A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
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If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?