My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
You Might Also Like
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.