The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
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Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I hate when that happens.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs