[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
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Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
This is a true ally.