JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
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To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
And now we wait
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!