On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
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when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
*Inspirational Tweets*
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911