*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
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I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Thursday
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Cat.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall