“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
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I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
2023 was just a warmup
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?