“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
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When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Stonehinge