Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
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what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell