My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
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We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Check out the legs on this baby
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Thrilling chase underway
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.