If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
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Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Wait a minute
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team