Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
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Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.