shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
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*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?