Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
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how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken