They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
You Might Also Like
The old gods are rising again.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.