“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
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When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
The government even made aliens boring
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
☺️
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.