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Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
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Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Pretty much. 🤣
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house