When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
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If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Schrödinger’s cookie
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
incredible book dedication
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.