no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.