NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
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HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days