Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
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The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!