I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
You Might Also Like
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
subtitles are so good nowadays
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.