WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
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What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Pass gas, not judgment.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.