Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
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I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?