We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
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ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me