My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
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I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.