*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
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I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
IT’S-A ME,
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Breaking news:
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions