By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
You Might Also Like
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
$4 #usedbooks
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.