I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
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What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
dictator is short for richard potato
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.