You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
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astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves