Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
You Might Also Like
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I was bored.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Trumpy Cat
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
lol
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Print is alive and well!!!