me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
You Might Also Like
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
“what that mouth do?” complain
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
time for some seasonal decor
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning