What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
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i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.