Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
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Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
yeah 😭
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.