I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
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Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.