Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
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Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
the saddest jazz hands ever
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!