i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
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With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
LOL
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…