Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
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I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.