Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
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What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.