I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
You Might Also Like
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
The biggest mystery of our time
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun