HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
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[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
それは草
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Tough love is true love