My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
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*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Girl, same.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater