Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
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[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
bad news gang
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?