Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King