If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
You Might Also Like
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
British people be like I’m Bri ish
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars